Thursday, October 1, 2009


A rare glimpse of the Everything Database, captured by royal photographer Lord Lichfield to commemorate the Queen Mother's visit, shortly before she sadly passed away.

The Everything Database is the most precise scientific method developed for calculating 'The Best Thing In The World.' In a complex mathematical process, literally dozens of intelligent people across the globe transfer information into the Everything Database through a state of the art data retrieval system - called a 'survey' - facilitated by the most advanced digital equipment in the world today, the Internet.

The Everything Database has quantified the exhaustive data and produced the Top Ten Things In The World so far, from the beginning of time 00/00/0000, to today 10/05/2009. However, taking margins of error into account and the necessity to input a final few categories - Flip Flops, Nelson Mandela, Rainbows - the definitive Top Ten will not be available until approximately June 2013.

10 NORWAY 2.36

Norway was very average


09 THE PUG 2.55

pugs were largely perceived as 'ridiculous', though some thought them 'humorous'


08 OBAMA 2.63

Obama was undermined by his dubious affection for Harry Potter's Hermione



some respondents were afraid of moving into the digital world, but did not rule it out as a possibility some time in the future


06 MARS 3.10

more people would like to live on Mars than in the digital world



split fifty-fifty along gender lines



many people thought ghosts were "alright"


=04 CAKE MIX 3.33

cake mix and ghosts were exactly as popular as each other



a worryingly high score for something so destructive. why is it ok to smash electric guitars, which are cool instruments, but not saxophones, which are shit instruments?


02 THE SKY 4.11

many respondents thought the sky was the best thing in the world,
but it wasn't because...


01 BOWIE 4.75

Bowie is more popular than the sky

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Saxophone: Is it any good?

During the 1980s scientists in England conducted experiments on lab rats to see how depressed they could make them.

Usually on the Everything Database I feign some kind of impartiality: for example, I don't really like Cake Mix that much, but if you're a busy housewife and crap chef and need help baking something tasty for when your man returns home from his 9 to 5.30 working day in the 1950s, then I respect your right to give Cake Mix a rating above 3 out of 5.

However, with the saxophone it feels dirty to encourage you. Just think of your favorite song. Now imagine a sax solo in the middle of it. Not your favorite song anymore, is it?

You may disagree and say "But Baronimous, there are some wonderful tracks with sax solos, and here they are..."

Rolling Stones - Can't You Hear Me Knocking
Great track used in Scorsese's Casino, really long fucking sax solo.

Rolling Stones - Brown Sugar
Shorter Song, shorter sax solo. Still too long.

Pink Floyd - Shine On You Crazy Diamond
Lovely but really long elegy to Syd Barret. In the 1970s the government gave prog rock bands tax breaks if they used sax solos to encourage the public to switch off and save energy during the strikes and electricity shortages.

Lots of Roxy Music Songs
Brian Eno, 'acclaimed genius producer' of Roxy Music spent all his time making Andy Mackay's sax sound like it was a futuristic space weapon - and not a saxophone. That's why he's known as Brian Eno 'acclaimed genius producer'.

Carpenters - Close to You
Why is there a saxophone in this song? It is like breeding a thoroughbred racehorse with a cactus.

David Bowie - Young Americans
Bowie used Saxophones extensively during what many refer to as his 'Plastic Soul' period. Others refer to it as his 'Annoying Brass Conical-Tubed Musical Instrument' period.

Great though they are, if these songs didn't have sax solos in them imagine how much better they'd be.

Steely Dan, Van Morrison, Springsteen and a host of other 70s acts also use saxophones liberally as do rubbish new bands like The Guillemots and the Zutons, but I can't be bothered to write much more about them because it's starting to make me feel like a lab rat.

Feel free to give the saxophone a low rating below.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Cake Mix: is it any good?

Cake mixes are a great time saver in my busy lifestyle. I can make a great cake from a box mix, just like those pictured above, in minutes. Can you imagine how great that would taste? Moist Deluxe or Extra Moist Chocolate Cake? All you have to do is add water - and sometimes oil, milk or eggs - and put it in the oven.

However, some people don't like cake mix because it takes away the joy of cooking. You add bits and bobs to make things and it's exciting, but with cake mix there is little room for experimentation.

The protest movement against cake mix gained momentum in the mid-1960's, when, in an echo of the protests against Dylan 'going electric' in 1965, people described cake mix as 'unnatural' and 'destabilizing the natural chemistry' - of the cake.

But with 1970s fashion turning against self indulgent experimentation, the unpretentious cake mix was seen as very 'punk rock', and is now thankfully accepted as a cornerstone of the modern western lifestyle. So you can say whether or not you like it below without fear of repercussions.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

The Obama phenomena: is it any good?

Whilst there is general agreement that Barack Obama is the 44th and current president of the United States and that he is indeed the first African American to hold the office, when evaluating Obama it is necessary to step outside of his undoubted huge political and economic achievements and ask: is Obama really that good?
It is easy, for example, to overlook that while Obama is a keen soccer enthusiast and often talks fondly of playing in a local team in his early years in Indonesia, that he was, in fact, very 'one footed'. And even though his goals-per-game ratio was very high at 0.66, this is largely attributable to his position as centre forward, combined with the fact that he was the team's penalty taker, from which an astonishing 72.5% of his goals were accrued.
Obama is also a keen reader, especially of Harry Potter. However, his favorite book is "Harry Potter And The Chamber of Secrets" which is undoubtedly the worst in the series due to inconsistent pacing, and the plot structure being much the same as in "Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone."
And Obama's favorite character, Hermione Granger, is one that is hard to understand. She aces all her tests and is one of the smartest students to ever go to Hogwarts and is spunky and tries to be defiant like Harry and Ron. But in the later books, she just becomes annoying and causes a shit-load of trouble for Harry and Ron - like when she made one of the teachers take away The Firebolt (a special, expensive broomstick) because she was worried that it might be cursed by the unknown admirer. Or when she goes to a dance with one of Harry's rivals!
But if you think Obama's political achievements outweigh his footballing 'ability' and his flawed appreciation of the Harry Potter series, feel free to give the Obama phenomena a high rating below.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Digital World: is it any good?

The digital world is not like the world that you or I live in. Although it has mountains and fields and streams running through it like the nicer parts of our world where people like to go on holiday, these are not made of earth and grass and water. They are made of what those in the know call 'digits' (see figure 1, above).
Our world runs on coal, but 'digits' are like tiny pieces of coal that you can only see with a very powerful microscope, that provide the fuel for the digital world's little furnaces.
Although humans can not actually live in the digital world, it can be contacted, most notably by 'I.T. men' who 'interact' with it and have become the princes of this world, like Peter and Edmund in Narnia, so that even the most ugly and rude I.T. man can get the most beautiful digital girlfriend (see figure 2).
The digital world can also 'wash its face'. That means run as a profit making entity in its own right.
If you'd like to visit the digital world, please give it a high mark out of five below.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A Hairy Chest: is it any good?

You may not have noticed, but some men are very hairy, while others have no hair at all. Today though, I just want you to concentrate on the men who are very hairy. That is, those who fulfill the physiological criteria for a hairy chest as documented by Charles Darwin in The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex: "those whose upper pectorals are covered with hair, several inches from the nipple to the neck" (See diagrams 3 and 4).
The direction of growth of 'a hairy chest' is fascinating, and can make for interesting patterns akin to depictions of mathematical vector fields. Some individuals (see pattern in diagram 3) have spirals on their upper pectoral regions which run clockwise on the left breast and counter-clockwise on the right. During his 5 year voyage on HMS Beagle, Darwin observed his men and noted that this pattern was "of particular significance in the natural selection process" and that as well as being more intelligent, men with spirals on their upper pectorals were more likely to "find one or more mates."
However, if you don't agree with the most renowned and celebrated scientist who has ever lived, feel free to allocate 'A Hairy Chest' less than 5 out of 5 below.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

The Supernatural: is it any good?

Do you like ghosts? It may seem difficult to rate the supernatural because there's so many different types, just like animals in the animal kingdom. But it really isn't that difficult at all.
Residual Energy Hauntings are undoubtedly the most common, being just a location that feels 'haunted', something most of us have experienced.
Active Hauntings are slightly less popular and are often caused by a historical event, like when Hamlet's father's ghost told him he'd been murdered. These ghosts are quite interactive.
Poltergeists are more controversial because, while again they are very common and enjoy human company, many scientists believe the energy for the activity is actually provided by someone who is very much alive with ESP, and it is only the 'pranks and noises' that are caused by the ghost.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Mars: is it any good?

"Is there life on Mars?" asked Bowie (currently on 4.5/5) in 1971.  Unfortunately for Bowie, an enthusiastic supporter of alien life forms throughout his career, the answer was that a lack of a magnetosphere and the extremely thin atmosphere of Mars make life impossible, not to mention the fact that the planet has little heat transfer across its surface, poor insulation against bombardment and the solar wind, and insufficient atmospheric pressure to retain water - the basis of life -  in a liquid form.
Don't worry though, the soil on Mars contains vital nutrients such as magnesium, sodium, potassium and chloride, all of which are suitable for the growth of asparagus. So if, like Bowie in his latter years, you enjoy growing your own vegetables - and aren't too worried about the cumbersome space suit you'd have to wear to avoid certain death - give Mars a healthy rating below!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Bowie: is it any good?

So far on the everything database 'the sky' is the most popular thing in the world, with a value of 4 out of 5. Pugs are second with a value of 3, and then Norway is on 2.5, though admittedly it still is very early stages at the moment, having only made three posts. 
But if you think Bowie is better than pugs or 'the sky' vote below. Perhaps you prefer singing along to  'Space Oddity' or 'Ziggy Stardust' to stroking a pug. Or maybe you enjoy listening to his critically acclaimed Berlin Trilogy of albums, Low, Heroes and Lodger more than being licked by a pug. If you have never been licked by a pug, maybe you can imagine how it feels. Perhaps you think Bowie's famous chameleon-like appearance is more fickle than the weather in 'the sky'. You might even find his film career less enjoyable than Norway.
I don't really care how you come to your value for Bowie, more that you assign Bowie a value.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Sky: is it any good?

The sky is the region of the upper atmosphere seen from the earth.
At night, the sky is made up of stars, planets and the darkness between them. In daytime the sun's rays make the molecules appear to be blue.
When you are giving the sky a value between 1 and 5, be sure to take into consideration that clouds are not really 'part' of the sky, they are just masses of water-vapor which move across the backgroud of the sky.
Also, bare in mind there is no such thing as 'sky' - the atmosphere is there all the time, but at night we can see through it. So when people say they see birds, insects, aircraft, and kites 'flying in the sky' they are actually lying.

Be sure to cast your vote below on whether you like 'the sky' or not.